2,219 Days ago (sounds better than saying a little over 6 years ago), I got sober by accident. I say by accident, because when I quit drinking, it wasn’t because I thought I had an alcohol problem, I had an opioid problem. I was popping pills when every ounce of pain shot through my mind or body, and I wanted to quit. It just happened to be the same day I was admitted to the hospital, for suicide prevention, and to sort me out. Needless to say when they drew blood, and found alcohol, weed, and pills in my system… well, it wasn’t pretty to hear, and I was out right embarrassed.
So if I wanted to get better mentally, I had to quit drugs, and if I wanted to quit drugs, I had to quit drinking. Reason why I drank alcohol was because it was such a trigger for me. It was in March of 2019, I quit prescription pills, i quit weed, and I quit alcohol, and something AMAZING happened.
I said, “wait a second”! Even though I quit those two things, (opioids and pot), maybe I had a problem with alcohol as well, and I just didn’t realize it, even though I would get black out drunk, even though I was using alcohol as a crutch, in order to quiet the demons, that are in my mind, or deal with the issues I wasn’t brave or strong enough to take head on. Like me living with BP1 Disorder or the traumas from my childhood. Those of you that stuck around with being my friends, remember, that I would show up to work drunk, or severely hungover reeking of alcohol, cause the showers, just couldn’t wash it away.
But I didn’t realize I had a problem, not until I stopped drinking, 100%. I tried quitting before, in my twenties, but I would always relapse. That is what I wanted to talk about today.
I’m sure there is somebody out there that needs to hear this message. Even though you may feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, and vulnerable. I felt that as well in the beginning, it’s important, because there is probably at least one person out there that I can help. Someone who hears my story and they decide, “Ok, I’m going to choose myself, and my future, by choosing sobriety”.
I started drinking when I was just about to turn 16 years old. That was the first time I got drunk, as well as high. I remember where I was, and when it happened. It was back in December of 2005, I was in a neighbors garage, and my abusive ex-step father gave me whiskey and pot for the first time, since I was about to become a “man” next month. I was pressured to do the substances, even though I didn’t want to. It was either that, or be mentally, maybe even, physically abused. Believe me, when he wanted his way, he got his way in some fashion. So I drank the whiskey, and smoked the pot, and my little 15 year old brain loved it.
A year progressed, and parties were attended. I would get together with buddies after work and/or school, and I would get high and/or “shit-faced”. It was fun. However, it isn’t fun when you’re doing it alone, or choosing to get wasted, when your friends need you for something important, or waking up in your car, not knowing where you are in some random city. When I was in college, I would drink to get absolutely destroyed. Since I was 21 while going to college, I could drink anytime I wanted, wherever I wanted. Which ended up being more than I needed too. Throughout college, and most of my twenties, I proceeded to drink more than I needed to.
I am not the person who could handle it responsibly, I am not the person who can go out and have a few beers with friends, or a glass of wine for dinner. It just wasn’t me. It NEVER was me.
When I moved from Jacksonville, Florida to Atlanta, Georgia it continued. With my early diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, it no longer was “for fun”, instead, it was to numb. I was informed drinking was critically important to come to a cease. Not only for my medications to work, but to improve my wellbeing. However, I kept getting drunk. I kept abusing myself. But I didn’t know I had a problem.
Everyone that was my age, was doing it. Everyone else was going out and “having fun”, and getting wasted, and sharing the stories. I can’t believe this is normalized, and that is one of the downsides to alcohol. It’s so ingrained in what we do for leisure or even fun. We excuse it. We say things like “I don’t have a problem, cause I’m not as bad as this person”. Or say other things like “I only have 1 DUI, whereas that person has 4 or 5 DUIs”. “That person has a problem, but I don’t”. “I don’t have a problem, even though I can’t go out and drink with friends or family”. It’s just something I did, or you do, that is normal.
In March of 2019, when I chose to stop taking opiods, I stopped drinking 100%. That is when clarity struck. Unfortunately, a lot of the times, when you’re doing self-destructive things, you don’t realize they’re self-destructive until you stop. And that is a lot of times, when the moment of clarity happens. And for me, it was months through my recovery of a potential suicide attempt, and not doing any illicit drugs or alcohol, that the specific moment of clarity happened.
When I stopped, things looked a lot different. What is that you might ask yourself? I stopped doing the self-destructive things, I wasn’t waking up and regretting what I was doing the night before. Either what I did, or what I thought I did. People stopped telling me that I am such an ass-hole, for the things I said or did when I was wasted.
That wasn’t happening anymore. Things looked different, things taste different. My relationships with friends and family that stuck around was better. Most importantly, I didn’t hate myself. Let me say that again, I DID NOT HATE MYSELF. That was the first surprising thing that happened when I got sober 6 years ago. I stopped hating myself.
What I thought I had, which was pretty good self-esteem, but when you’re someone who perpetually drinks alcohol, or does any form of drug, you do it and you feel good, but the second your body is fighting off the poison, you are hating yourself. Then you would proceed to do it again, and hate yourself again. Do this enough times, for enough years, well… You don’t love yourself. I can tell you that.
When I stopped, I recognized that I am caring, funny, and creative to name a few. My self-esteem, my confidence, my productivity, my happiness, my relationships, basically everything started to get better. Everything was more clear. My mind wasn’t foggy. I looked better, I looked healthier.
One of the things that I learned is that when you are in the midst of some form of self-destructive behavior, it is very hard to have healthy, happy relationships. You do so much damage to your own self-esteem that it affects how you relate to other people, or even how you interact with them. My relationship with my mother got better, my best friend from when I was 17 got better. I’m a better… Me.
Looking back, getting sober, I was saving my own life. Many people that I was or had done that stuff with, aren’t around any longer. They didn’t die of old age, I can tell you that… However, they are deceased.
When I got sober 6 years ago, I didn’t realize that I was choosing the future me. I was choosing the future, and I succeeded. The me, who has these amazing relationships with my close friends, and family. Being fully present for my wife. Being present for our kid(s) that we are going to have one day. I have a better relationship with myself than I did 6 years ago, or ever. The love for myself has grown. I have matured, I am developed. It hasn’t been easy. Of course, it hasn’t been easy. What is going to make it impossible for you to thrive is not being drunk or doing self-destructive things. If you keep putting yourself in these bad situations, enough times, something bad is going to happen. Whether its being arrested, infidelity, or worse, something you can’t take back.
I still do stupid shit, not because of reasons mentioned before. But, I’m not doing it because of being drunk. You don’t know how liberating it is, unless you have lived through it. I no longer have or want to have the feelings of what I use to have, when I was drunk. There is nothing worse than “not knowing”. You know what I am talking about, when I say that.
That is why I wanted to take the time to write this, because I have been thinking about it lately. Last month, my wife and I were in the car, talking about moderation and alcoholism. What is life without alcohol? What is sobriety to me? It’s about being fully present with loved ones, its about being present with myself. It’s not having a glass of wine for dinner, or a beer at a restaurant with a friend. That’s not who I am. That is sobriety, and it’s amazing. If I’m being honest. I just wanted to talk about it, and share my experience.
Yea, I’m embarrassed, I lived that type of life. Alcohol had such a negative impact on me, but you can’t go back and change things. But what you can change, is your future, and you can choose the future you.
If you’re somebody that is not sure, try not drinking for a month. How do you feel? If you’ve gone a month, try going a little further. Try 2 months, maybe 3. In 6 months, I can tell you, your life is going to look very different. You’re going to have more money, cause you’re not spending it at the bar or liquor store every day, you’re going to be more focused, you’re not going to have to waste money on a DUI lawyer, waste your time going to community service with said DUI, or wasting time because you’re hungover. You have so much more time in the day. You’ll feel amazing, but the most important thing, you’re going to feel incredible about yourself.
You’re worth it. You’re beautiful. People can change. If you’re thinking your life can or will be better without alcohol, I can assure you, it will be better than you ever imagined. It takes being strong and taking action. I’m proud of you. I love you, and I just wanted to share. I just thought it was important.