Introduction!
NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They are the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization, and they work wonders in my own opinion! You may ask,”What is IMOV? It’s NAMI’s, Public Speaking program. It’s their way of spreading a message about individuals who are in recovery, and want what everyone else wants, and that is simply happiness and a fulfilled life. I basically want to help end the silence, so we are not afraid to speak up. Mental health is health. Know you are not alone, that people really do care, and that we all have the power to end the silence. My name is Michael, and this is my recovery story.
I hope you enjoy!
What happened?
The year is 2008, and I thought I was going to be a world famous tattoo artist. Traveling the world, expressing my art, onto people who are willing to allow me to tattoo them. The world was my oyster. It was magical, it was intense, the world was bursting with universal truth. A few months after my apprenticeship, I started hearing voices in my head. Slight whispers, can’t make out the sound these voices were saying. Informed someone close to me, and she silenced me not to speak of it, cause people would think I am crazy. This led to my first psychiatric break from the world. And my first real attempt at suicide. Although, before I could wrap my car around a lamppost in Florida, I got a call from my sister. Ultimately saying I should move up here to boring Ga. So I moved up to said, boring Ga in Aug 2011.
A couple more months rolled by, and I am bursting with an ungodly amount of energy, that later led to these whispers coming back to my mind. This time, I can make out who is talking to me. It is the people closest to me. Still can’t make out what they’re saying. This led me to my first counseling appointment. They had some interesting news for me. They wanted to label me Bipolar 1 Disorder. Like I am the crazy one? Which like many others, I didn’t believe. However, it felt like a gut punch. Like I knew it was true.
So I went on, living through my twenties in denial. Out of nowhere, I had to have an emergency surgery on my lower tailbone. This led to developing an addiction to opioids. I already dabbled in recreational drugs up until then, but these pills were something like I never experienced before. When I was depressed, they helped soothe my emotional pain, by making me sleep. When I was manic, I felt like I was this crazy artist. From the diagnoses in 2011/2012. Which made it seem cool.
Fast forward some time. I met some people, fell in love, went through a severe break up, found someone else again, quit my job, moved out to Athens Ga. Started to severely get into the drug scene there, and experienced my hopefully last psychiatric break from reality, that led me in my first and hopefully last hospitalization. When I say, I got the best rest I ever had in 72 hours, I legitimately got the best rest I ever had in 72 hours. I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 Disorder, with an addon, Psychotic features.
What Helps?
That depression that I was in, from when I was hospitalized for my disorder, lasted for about a year to a year and a half. When it finally lifted, it was such a relief. I vividly remember crying in my bed. Not because of the depression, but because of the relief. My head felt like it could rest, and not be in this overdrive state of mind. I didn’t know what it was like to be submerged anymore under that muddy water, that was my mind. I was able to see the sun, and to feel the breeze. All of a sudden, I can feel another manic episode forming over those bright blue skies, waiting to sweep me into its grasp again. For the first time, I wanted to avoid this.
I was up and down, up and down. Developing trust issues with myself. Even when I felt good, I didn’t trust it. I would ask my Drs, when is feeling good a good thing, and when is it a symptom? When is feeling happy, too happy? In the early stages of my recovery, I pinballed the idea of trial and error, mood charts, and even…. Dare I say it? Attitude adjustments. Help from friends and family to help evaluate me. And within 8 months to a year, I stabilized. Since there is no cure, my next and current task is to maintain that stability.
For a couple years, I started to be really private again about my bipolar. We get messages from the media, or other people who don’t understand it or don’t want to understand it, that we’re weak, broken, and even violent. I felt like, if I told anyone who didn’t know my dirty little secret, they would be shocked, and not take it so well. Especially when I wanted to start dating again. However, what is an artist anyways, they’re simply a storyteller by trade. All I wanted was to help people, the way so many other people have helped me.
A mood disorder is such an internal thing. It’s about emotions, and ways of thinking. Art can get out into the world, the way something feels. In a way that’s intuitive, immediate and even visceral. So I fell back into my roots, dissecting lyrics of songs to find meaning in life, which later led me to my creative thinking in drawing like I earlier mentioned.
What’s next?
Coming out as Bipolar in a public way like this is exciting and terrifying. I steeled myself to be vulnerable, and judged. However, what I found was that I have so much company. So many people in my everyday life told me about their experience with mental illness. Either their own lived experience, or someone close to them. Though our stories may be different, our struggles are similar. Especially that one demon, frustration, of trying to take care of ourselves.
I’ve been stable for almost 4 years, and sober for 6 years. I wish that I can reach back to my younger self. Even in those first rocky years, when I was first diagnosed. I would tell my younger self that things are going to be OK, and that I would figure out how to take care of myself. In fact, I would have this system in place. To help prevent another episode from happening, and that I would be dedicated to this system. The system is so simple, anyone can do it. Sleep, daily medicine, eating healthy, seeing your Drs, mindfulness and meditation, exercise (this i’m still trying to master), routines, and a solid support system, cause life is too much for any one person to do on their own.
Though these things are separate, they’re technically integrated together. Diagnosis or not, this system can be for anyone. We’re all human and we all have mental health days, or weeks. We all also experience anxieties, grief, or even times where we just don’t feel like ourselves.
Yes, taking care of yourself is hard. Messing up sometimes is just normal, and most of the time, it will simply be ok. It takes diligence, but also flexibility. There just might be someone in crisis, and that’s life throwing a curveball at you. Or sometimes, it can be a choice, like moving to a new city. Then maybe those things I mentioned earlier, may need a little readjusting.
Stability does not mean unchanging, like many people believe, it means balance. I have this tattoo that everybody can see, and it says, “learning to love life, by living through loss and mistakes.” When I’m feeling down, I’ll look at it, and know that it now represents such a monumental turning point in my life, instead of just a song lyric. But, a turning point that was so overwhelming and confusing and scary. But also, it’s a great teacher. Once, I was so scared that I would lose my entire sense of self. A stable life, a balanced life, just simply feels like me.
**Those wondering, what Bipolar might feel like in the mind of someone who lives with it. Imagine you’re on a boat, surrounded by others. In one hand, there is an anchor, dragging you down, and in the other hand, there is a kite, trying to pull you up. A constant tug-of-war for your moods. Some days, it’s manageable, and other days, it’s like a hurricane is coming through, but other people, appear to not be affected by it from what you can see.**